


Gettin' Bi

by grapefruitsnacks



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Bisexual, Bisexuality, Coming Out, Humor, Sarcasm, bi andy, idk this made me laugh, references to 3x01 - Gay Witch Hunt, takes place after 6x01 - Gossip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-13 05:12:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19244521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grapefruitsnacks/pseuds/grapefruitsnacks
Summary: Oscar reluctantly helps Andy figure out his sexuality. Andy comes out as bisexual to the office:"I am bisexual."Kelly is the first to react. "That is so hot."“So Andy has sex with bikes?” Kevin asks.





	Gettin' Bi

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place after the 6x01 episode (Gossip) where the rumor is spread that Andy is gay and Andy himself starts to wonder if he is.

All Oscar wants is to do is his crossword puzzle. It’s a good one, based on classic literature and authors. He’s alone in the break room, but he imagines that if others were watching, they’d watch with awe at his knowledge.

Andy enters the break room, his eyes trained on Oscar like a hawk. Oscar refuses to look up; if he doesn’t make eye contact, maybe he’ll just go away. Oscar has a fifteen-minute break, and it’s the best part of his day. No Kevin giggling at a gay joke, no Michael annoying everyone in some new way he recently discovered, no Jim and Pam flirting incessantly, no Angela glaring and judging. It’s his heaven: his crossword-filled, co-worker-less heaven.

Andy, however, is not deterred by something as petty as eye contact. He pulls the chair next to Oscar closer to him and sits down. Oscar refuses to look up even though Andy is way too close to him right now. Andy leans in. Oscar refuses to move. Andy whispers loudly, “I tried what Jim said.”

Oscar battles his innate sense of curiosity and refuses to look up or answer. Louder, Andy says, “Oscar, did you hear what I said? I said I tried what Jim-”

“Yes, Andy, I heard.”

“So?”

Oscar sighs, mourning the loss of the only good fifteen minutes of his day. Now his whole day feels longer and even more tortuous. Maybe if Oscar deals with Andy’s bullshit fast, he’ll still have a good ten minutes to finish his crossword. With this light at the end of the tunnel in mind, Oscar reluctantly asks, “What did Jim say?”

“Jim said that I had to sleep with a woman and then sleep with a man and compare the two experiences so I would know if I was gay.”

Oscar wants to shove his head into the vending machine at Andy’s stupidity. “And you tried that?”

Andy scoffs like Oscar is the stupid one. “I already said I took Jim’s advice.”

Oscar wants to shove his head so far up the vending machine that the slot cuts his throat in two. If he was dead, he wouldn’t have to be a part of this torturous conversation. “I thought that you decided you weren’t gay.”

“Yeah, but I had to make sure, you know? Get proof and all.” Oscar just stares at him and wishes that he was doing his crossword puzzle or that his head was up the vending machine. One or the other would be perfect. Andy continues like Oscar cares, “So, like, I liked sleeping with the woman better. But I think that was only because she was nicer. The guy was wearing way too much cologne and kept on trying to do weird stuff with me.” He leans in even closer as if about to tell a secret. Oscar leans back. “He tried choking me, Oscar. Is that normal?”

Oscar holds up his crossword in between the two of them like a barrier. Maybe then he’ll get the message that this conversation is over. Andy just leans around the crossword puzzle and stares at Oscar with his freakishly intense eyes. “I don’t know, Andy. Talk to a therapist. Please.”

Andy shakes his head rapidly. “No. I need your help. I didn’t… hate sleeping with the guy. Does that make me gay?”

“I don’t know, Andy,” Oscar says, ready to shove Andy’s head up the vending machine. All he wanted was fifteen minutes of goddamn peace. Was that so much to ask for? “Maybe you’re bisexual.”

Andy leans back in surprise and Oscar mentally throws a party for the return of his personal space.

Instantly, too quickly, Andy responds, “No. I’m not bisexual.”

Oscar blinks pointedly. “Do you know what that means?”

Andy scoffs as if very insulted. “Of course I know what that means.” He obviously did not.

Maybe if Oscar explains it, Andy will leave. “It means you like men and women - everyone.”

Dramatically and very unconvincingly, Andy says, “Oscar, I said I know what it means.” He pauses. “So, like, I’m not gay?”

“It depends on whether you’re using gay as an umbrella term or-”

“An umbrella-what-now?” Andy interrupts, too confused to be a know-it-all.

Nope. Oscar is not explaining this to Andy. He is not the resident therapist for questioning individuals. He is a goddamn accountant who wants fifteen minutes of goddamn peace to do his goddamn crossword puzzle. “Do some research. Talk to a therapist. And don’t come back.”

“But Oscar-”

“Nope,” Oscar says, scribbling an answer into his crossword puzzle. “We’re done talking. And remember, do not come back.”

****

He comes back. Four days later. This time, Oscar is literally at the urinal. Andy looks under the stalls, then pops back up, his eyes darting around like a deranged German Shepard. Oscar lets his head fall so that it hits the wall in front of him. It hurts - like hell - but Oscar is too far dead inside to care.

Andy takes his place next to Oscar at the adjacent urinal. Luckily, he does not start peeing. That’s the only good thing here. “I did some research,” Andy whispers like he’s sharing top-secret government information and betraying his country.

Oscar flushes and tries to discreetly get himself decent while Andy watches with his psycho eyes. “That’s great, Andy.”

Oscar walks to the sink in order to get away from Andy and hopefully indicate that the conversation is over. Andy does not take the hint; Oscar was naive to believe for a moment that he would. As Oscar furiously scrubs his hands clean of this conversation, Andy slips over to the sinks and whispers, “I think I might be bisexual.”

Oscar nods, staring at the suds on his hands. This is not his problem. This is so not his problem. And yet, he has to deal with it. Fuck. “That’s great, Andy,” Oscar repeats, trying to sound vaguely polite.

“Like, I was thinking about it. And I think I’ve liked men before. Like, I saw _Indecent Proposal_ , and I thought, like, I’d sleep with Robert Redford for a lot less than a million dollars.” His eyes shift as he pauses dramatically. “Like, a lot less.”

Oscar dries his hands and wonders what would happen if he sprinted out of the bathroom and back to his desk. Would Andy follow him? Or would he leave him alone? He’d probably come up to him, all aggressive-like, and demand that they have a meeting to have in the conference room. Oscar does not want this scene. He might as well stay here. “Well, congratulations on figuring it out.”

“Thanks.” He exhales in a way that sounds like a laugh. “So, am I like, officially gay now?”

“Yes, Andy, I pronounce you officially gay. Should I give your crown and shawl now or later?”

“Dude, not cool.” He pauses, already forgetting the mocking. “Should I get a rainbow flag or something for my desk?”

“I don’t care, Andy.”

“Should I tell everyone I’m bi now?”

“I really don’t care, Andy. Do what you want.”

“You really should care more, Oscar. This is your community.”

“I’ll put it on my to-do list.” Oscar starts to leave, already opening the door.

“Oscar,” Andy says. His voice is slightly more vulnerable than usual, and Oscar, being an absolute sucker, stops on his road to safety. “Thank you. For, you know, talking to me.”

Oscar tries not to look like this affects him because, yeah, it’s actually kind of nice. “Of course,” Oscar says and before Oscar feel any emotions verging on positive towards Andy, he slips out the door.

****

Two weeks later, Oscar is on a deadline. He’s got to finish crunching these numbers before five o’clock or else… something bad will happen. Oscar’s not sure - he wasn’t exactly listening. All he knows is do the math or there will be consequences. So, he does the math.

And then Andy, who obviously possesses an excellent sense of occasion, stands up like a best man about to give his speech and says, “Everyone, can I have your attention?”

Everyone turns towards him, some, like Jim, grateful for the distraction and others, like Angela and Oscar, irritated by the interruption. Michael comes out of his office like a bee to honey, like a boss to petty drama. Kelly drags Ryan by the hand out of the annex and Toby follows behind them, slinking in a way that makes him almost invisible.

“Hello, everyone. Thank you for your attention. Now, I have an announcement to make, one that is pretty important both to my life and your lives. Before I tell you my announcement, let me set the scene a little, give you a little history. Back in Ancient Greece-”

The entire office boos, Dwight the loudest. “Get to the point!”

Andy appears to weigh his options: continue with his probably-forty-five-minute speech and irritate everyone or actually get to the point. It’s obviously a tough decision for him, given the constipated look on his face. “Fine. Now, without preamble, without ceremony, I must say, I am bisexual.”

The office is silent for a moment. Oscar looks around, gauging their reactions. He’s irritated Andy is disrupting his work day, sure, but he’s strangely envious of Andy. It took him years of working at Dunder Mifflin and Michael’s forcing him to come out. It took Andy less than three weeks. Oscar can not imagine the type of _fuck it_ attitude that led to this or, more likely, the stupidity. It makes Oscar want to protect Andy a little bit. Just a little. Most of him still wants to shove his head up the vending machine.

Oscar silently tries to persuade the office to react positively, appropriately. In other words, he prays for a miracle.

Kelly is the first to react. “That is so hot.” She lets go of Ryan’s hand to moon over Andy.

Ryan stares at his empty hand. “And I also have an announcement.” He takes a dramatic breath. “I am bisexual.”

“Shut up, no you’re not,” Kelly says. “Andy, that was so brave of you to tell us.”

“No, I literally am. Stop making this all about you like always.” Ryan and Kelly’s bickering fades to the background.

“What’s bisexual?” Kevin asks slowly, over-pronouncing the sexual.

“Well, Kevin,” Michael starts, “most of use are one-sexuals. We like having sex with one person. But then there are bisexuals. They like having sex with two people. Picture, if you will, a bicycle. Andy is the rider, and the other two people are the tires. He will just ride that bicycle all day long.”

“That is so far from the definition,” Oscar says, fed up with the office’s bullshit. How could he think for a moment that the office might react better to Andy coming out than to himself coming out? How could he think that they might be normal for one second?

“So Andy has sex with bikes?” Kevin asks.

“No!” Andy says in horror. “I do not have sex with bikes.”

“That sounds like something someone who has sex with bikes would say,” Kevin retorts.

Before Andy can respond, Jim, appearing to find this whole situation amusing, asks, “Did you have sex with a man and a woman? Is that how you figured it out?”

When Andy doesn’t answer, the whole office breaks out into shocked responses. Angela is the loudest, shrieking, “You had sex with a man?” When everyone turns to glare at her, she raises her hands in mock-surrender. “Not judging. Just like Jesus.”

“So you’re saying you’re Jesus?” Oscar says.

“No! Never,” she says, unconvincingly.

Dwight has remained strangely silent through this ordeal, and then the printer spits out a piece of paper. Dwight gets up to retrieve it and he holds it up like the holy grail. It says sexual orientation on top, and it has a list of names with a row of boxes to check next to it. “Everyone, remain calm. I am going to pass around this piece of paper. On it, check the box that most closely aligns with your sexual orientation. For example, Oscar would check _gay_. Andy would check _bisexual_. Phylis would check _lesbian_.”

“I am married to Bob Vance,” she says primly.

Oscar wants to punch every single person in this office. “What if we refuse to fill it out, Dwight? What then?”

“Then we will take it to Human Resources and you will promptly be fired. Simple. Also, if you lie on the document, you will be fired. Also, if you protect someone who lies on this document, you will be fired.”

“None of that is true,” Toby says quietly.

“Well, we have to know somehow, Toby! Jim’s gaydar was an obvious scam!” Jim smirks at Dwight’s agitation over his two-year-old prank.

“This sounds a lot like Nazi Germany,” Pam says.

Kelly and Ryan’s fight becomes louder. “Fine, prove you’re bisexual. Have sex with a man.”

“Fine. I will.”

“No, wait, don’t. That would be you cheating on me. And you can’t cheat on me again, Ryan. You promised!”

“Fine, we’ll both have sex with a man.” He turns to Andy. “Do you want to have sex with us?”

Andy looks appalled. “No,” he says, disgusted.

“Fine, your loss,” Ryan says.

Creed chimes in, “I’ll have sex with you guys.”

Kelly and Ryan don’t even have to look at each other for them to be in agreement. Ryan says, “That’s okay, dude. We’ll… find someone else.” He and Kelly march out of the office, on the hunt for a man to have sex with, despite it being three in the afternoon.

Kevin breaks out, like a child who needs his answer to why the sky is blue, “Will someone please tell me what bisexual is?”

Oscar explodes, “Oh my God, it means a person likes at least two genders.”

“At least?” Phyllis says. “You mean there are more?”

Everyone turns to Oscar. “Never mind,” he says, not ready to explain this to everyone. “It means a person likes both men and women.”

Michael looks at Andy curiously. “You like men?”

“Yes, Micheal. I like men.”

“Well, that means I have to kiss you.”

Andy blinks like he must have heard this wrong. “What?”

“I have to kiss you. It’s tradition. Like a christening. A person isn’t truly gay until they kiss me.”

Micheal approaches Andy with his arms outstretched. Andy steps back, almost tripping over his own feet. “Let’s not,” he says diplomatically.

“No, we have to. We have to christen you.”

Horror fills Oscar. “Micheal, don’t.”

Toby repeats, “Yeah, Michael, I’ll have to report this if you kiss Andy.”

“That is the sacrifice I’ll have to make in order to eliminate prejudice in this world.”

Oscar watches this scene going down; he can’t believe this is actually happening. He feels like can’t move, like he’s frozen in his swivel chair, and he hopes that Andy at least gets a good deal. Maybe he’ll get six months paid vacation and two company cars. Double the benefits for Michael’s second offense.

Micheal is almost to Andy when Erin runs out of seemingly nowhere, jumping on Michael’s back and trying to tackle him and shouting, “Michael, no!”

Michael is forced to stop on in his path. Erin’s arms are dangerously close to strangling his neck, and Micheal chokes out, “Erin. Erin, let go!”

Erin sees she’s hurting him, and she instantly lets go, sliding back down to the ground. Micheal rubs his neck, and Erin runs in front of him, subconsciously blocking his pathway to Andy, and rubs Micheal’s arm apologetically. “Micheal! I’m so sorry, I just couldn’t let you kiss him. He said no. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Micheal says, rubbing his neck and still sounding strangled. He clears his throat. “Sorry, Andy. Toby made me try to kiss you with his hypnotism.”

“I did not,” Toby says under his breath.

“It’s a-okay, boss.” He looks at Erin, and his expression becomes melting. “Thank you, Erin, for sticking up for me.”

Instantly, she responds, “Oh, it’s no problem. In the orphanage, I had to fight a few kids for food and beds and all. So I had practice and all.”

“It was impressive. Like a football player or something.”

Erin laughs even though it wasn’t funny. “Yeah, it kind of was, wasn’t it?”

Kevin loudly asks, “If Andy is gay, why does he want to have sex with Erin?”

Erin steps back and her cheeks heat up. Andy is suddenly fascinated in the ceiling tiles. Oscar says, “Oh my God, Kevin, did you not hear all of my definitions?”

“Yes, but I forgot.”

“Kevin, stop being discriminatory,” Micheal says. “We will not tolerate that attitude in this office.”

“That’s a good policy, Micheal,” Toby says.

“Toby, I swear to God, I will shove into a busy highway.”

“Micheal, I was agreeing with you.”

Stanley interrupts, “I never thought I’d say this, but can we please get back to work? This whole conversation is giving me a headache.”

The office quiets after that, with Erin still chatting softly with Andy and Micheal glaring murderously at Toby from the confines of his office and Kevin googling gay porn and Angela looking up to the ceiling and miming the sign of the cross and Dwight quizzing Jim on a more effective bi-dar.

It’s all back to normal. Now, because of this whole ridiculous conversation, Oscar has to finish his work at lightning speed. Damn Andy for his horrible sense of timing, Oscar thinks, all while silently admiring Andy for his stupidity/bravery.

****

The next day, there is a rainbow flag and a bi pride flag on Andy’s desk. Angela stares a little too much and asks Oscar if this meant she was engaged to a gay man, and Oscar reluctantly reassures her that he was still attracted to her and she’d know it if she was engaged to a gay man. After that, she glares a little less.

Dwight tries again to pass around the sexual orientation list but gives up when Erin and Pam threaten to kill his growing beets. Kelly comes storming in an hour too late, shouting about Ryan being way too into their threesome, and Ryan follows, retorting, “Well, I told you I was bisexual!”

Micheal only made three jokes about bisexuality with only one of which being extremely insulting, which Oscar counts as a win.

Oscar decides he hates his coworkers slightly less than yesterday. Slightly. He still would like to shove most of their heads in vending machines. And he still wants to murder Andy for taking away his fifteen minutes of crossword-filled heaven.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is named after the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend's song "Gettin' Bi" because I believe that if the office took place in 2015 or after, Andy would totally come out to the office with this song. If you haven't heard the song, please look it up and envision Andy in that scenario. You will not regret it!
> 
> Anyways, I hope you liked this/found it vaguely humorous! Thank you for reading!


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